and i guess

so i'm eighteen now and that means absofuckinglutely jack-squat to me.

blahblah so i read something and i felt absolute positive happiness for this person, i felt warmth
from inside me, soaring out to this person.
and it wasn't even followed by afterwaves of jealousy, because go knows i am one hell of a jealous person. "i'm just a jealous guy, ooooh babe."
but serious happiness for someone who deserves it.

i feel weird. like it's very complicated at simple at once.
i feel like i'm displaced from some of myself,
like i'm stepping back and am just a conscientious observer.
and... i'm not so sure if that is entirely a good thing.
i like to be in control.
then i feel totally immersed in everything that i feel,
i'm always a doubter and second guesser,
but sometimes i feel like it's so simple, that everything i'm feeling is exactly what i should be feeling, is exactly who i am.

it's strange.

goddammit my ipod can shuffle 173 good songs in a row and then on some days it just doesn't get me. lame cakes.
i've got sunburn, i'm taking way to many photos with my new camera, am extremely lazy and take forever to go though them and edit if necessary,

and ghlfdsjdfhg
i know i never bitched about it back then and looking back i don't really think i do,
but why, god, damn you, have men become attracted to me within the last year??
jesus christ, i've been the least mentally stable that i've ever been, i'm conflicted,
so even if you find me attractive (because being called "sexy" never makes a girl feel like a piece of meat) or enjoyed hitting me up for some talk,
DUDE. REALLY. THIS IS LAME.
LIKE THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO YOU CAN HAS, GTFO.
i like my girl just fine kthnxbai. well even before laura this was happening at, to me, an alarming pace...
like dudes just talking to me at the goddamn library and then TURNING THE CONVERSATION TO FUCKING FLIRTING. and as if i don't see your eyes.
don't get me wrong, i enjoy it sometimes, but srsly.

i feel like the antithesis of a college girl.
liking attention. no.
can tolerate beer/cheap alcohol/any alcohol. no.
oh and those shorts. the denim ass-condoms. those jeans that are basically a pair of underwear. no, no, i will not wear those.

honestly, i really only think about college to "get ready for it." things i need, my schedule, etc. not how life will be like there. because, i guess i want a change but don't like thinking about it.
getting expectations up and whatnot.

i bruise so easily now i think it's hilarious.

was there any emotion in this whole piece of writing? it doesn't feel like there was.
like robot sam typed it up.

ho shit

abby is being a doll and using her blog every day and
i think i shall COPY her and do this to.
probably to keep what is left of my sanity.
damn i do talk to myself a lot.

skypeing or skyping or skype-ing in the middle of the night is the absolute tits.

i think i need to finally compile my "songs-to-cry-to" or "songs-that-make-me-cry" playlist.
it shall be epic because i suffer from the affliction known as
WIMMENS EMOTIONS so i'm highly susceptible to the influence of sad, sad songs.
also happy songs are some songs that make me cry to.


what i really hope is to begin to see some songs that remind me of the possible good times that
are up ahead of me.


do you realise how the word "hope" actually implies some doubt? like, you want something to happen
or be a certain way, but you can only express hope, seeing as it may not happen. it's not definite. you aren't saying,
"things will get better," you're saying "i hope things will get better." there's so much of a void expressed there,
a black chasm where you are almost certain you are blindly stepping your foot out over.
i'm getting stronger. i want to make things happen, not just hope.


anyways, looking through stupid ass photos and i'll eventually make that horribly sad playlist.
hell, i may even be arsed to give a reason why. some of them are interesting... maybe. prolly not interesting. but ehhh.

almost? FFFFFF. lame.

so i'm listening to metallica, cliff burton, baby
and it lets me realise i have this rageful dull rage in me

i just read something that disgusted me
disgusts me to no end

i'm disappointed in you.
stop saying "almost"
if you had wanted to, you would have.

have fun with babies.



BUT!

well goodbye, too then.
i'm going off to college.
i'm going to cut my hair.
i'm going to get a tattoo.
and i'm going to live like a dumbass college KID for a while.
engagement, haha.
i'm going to smile, even if i'm still alone out there.



Actually oh my goodness why does that make me happy?
I guess it's that giddy "OMFG LEMME BE YOUR BRIDESMAID" thing.
i'm like laughing.


maybe I'll be the Almighty Bringer of HeartBreak in college, too.

"pee pees are so gross."

freshhh

Ehhh, so this blog is fresh now.
so glad I'm done with that.