and i guess

so i'm eighteen now and that means absofuckinglutely jack-squat to me.

blahblah so i read something and i felt absolute positive happiness for this person, i felt warmth
from inside me, soaring out to this person.
and it wasn't even followed by afterwaves of jealousy, because go knows i am one hell of a jealous person. "i'm just a jealous guy, ooooh babe."
but serious happiness for someone who deserves it.

i feel weird. like it's very complicated at simple at once.
i feel like i'm displaced from some of myself,
like i'm stepping back and am just a conscientious observer.
and... i'm not so sure if that is entirely a good thing.
i like to be in control.
then i feel totally immersed in everything that i feel,
i'm always a doubter and second guesser,
but sometimes i feel like it's so simple, that everything i'm feeling is exactly what i should be feeling, is exactly who i am.

it's strange.

goddammit my ipod can shuffle 173 good songs in a row and then on some days it just doesn't get me. lame cakes.
i've got sunburn, i'm taking way to many photos with my new camera, am extremely lazy and take forever to go though them and edit if necessary,

and ghlfdsjdfhg
i know i never bitched about it back then and looking back i don't really think i do,
but why, god, damn you, have men become attracted to me within the last year??
jesus christ, i've been the least mentally stable that i've ever been, i'm conflicted,
so even if you find me attractive (because being called "sexy" never makes a girl feel like a piece of meat) or enjoyed hitting me up for some talk,
DUDE. REALLY. THIS IS LAME.
LIKE THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO YOU CAN HAS, GTFO.
i like my girl just fine kthnxbai. well even before laura this was happening at, to me, an alarming pace...
like dudes just talking to me at the goddamn library and then TURNING THE CONVERSATION TO FUCKING FLIRTING. and as if i don't see your eyes.
don't get me wrong, i enjoy it sometimes, but srsly.

i feel like the antithesis of a college girl.
liking attention. no.
can tolerate beer/cheap alcohol/any alcohol. no.
oh and those shorts. the denim ass-condoms. those jeans that are basically a pair of underwear. no, no, i will not wear those.

honestly, i really only think about college to "get ready for it." things i need, my schedule, etc. not how life will be like there. because, i guess i want a change but don't like thinking about it.
getting expectations up and whatnot.

i bruise so easily now i think it's hilarious.

was there any emotion in this whole piece of writing? it doesn't feel like there was.
like robot sam typed it up.